K-K's latest column -- of particular family interest!

SHENANIGANS

Headline: SMALL CHILDREN WALK AWAY FROM HOME...Two little girls (ages 3 and 4) were found wandering on a busy street yesterday carrying a little puppy. They were picked up by a stranger and taken to a local business where one of the grandparents was employed. They were returned home safely to their mothers who had been having coffee and lost track of time (and kids.) No charges filed.

Headline: YOUNG GIRLS CAUGHT BURYING BARBIE DOLLS...Three prepubescent girls admitted having a “Barbie Cemetery” in a neighborhood backyard. A dirty doll was found by one of their sisters and reported to the parents. When asked why they did it they responded “why not?” No charges were filed.

Headline: INCIDENTS OF NEAR FROSTBITE ... Several hundred children ranging in age from 8 to 18 have been suffering near frostbite conditions at the local skating rink. Not only do the parents force them to walk several blocks to get there but conditions in the “hot house” are not conducive to proper safety standards. Although they are given free reign warming up at their convenience, the smell of mittens, hats and scarfs scattered on the wood burning stove is stifling. On top of that, their parents often make them walk all the way back home. No charges were filed.

Headline: LARGE NEIGHBORHOOD DOG BURIED IN BACK YARD WITHOUT PERMIT ... Several people witnessed what they believe was a pet funeral carried out on a city street the other day. A number of children (as many as 30 or so reported) gathered for services when a beloved family dog (named Blondie) succumbed to old age. A large stone baring the animal's name marked the site as evidence of the incident. No charges were filed.

Headline: AT LEAST A DOZEN KIDS CAUGHT SKATEBOARDING HAPHAZARDLY ... Several kids were caught skateboarding down a steep alley through a busy street and down an “off limits” church driveway recently. They stated that they had “look-outs” stationed on the street to forewarn skateboarders when the Monsignor protested vehemently actually grabbing the shirt tail of one of the participants. A few days later one of the girls broke her arm stopping the mayhem. No charges filed.

Headline: NEIGHBORHOOD PLAY CAUSES CONCERN ... About 20 children entertained friends and family in a garage last week. Not only did they charge admission, they sold popcorn and drinks without a permit. Treasury is looking into the matter because they cannot account for funds raised. The director of the show stated “We really didn't know that we were doing anything wrong. We've been performing for people on our street for years sometimes going door to door singing.” They have also allegedly held unsupervised street dances. So far no charges have been filed.

Headline: CHICKENS SLAUGHTERED IN BACK YARD WITHIN VIEW OF NEIGHBORS ... A local “immigrant” couple was reported for regularly placing chickens on a tree stump and removing their heads. The clincher is that after their heads are removed they sometimes run around the yard scaring children. When interviewed the couple stated “We don'ta know whatta the problem is...we raisa them in our basement (next to the wine vat), kill them and eat them. It'sa natural order of things.” No charges have been filed although a conflict of interest issue has arisen due to the fact that their son is a City Official of the highest order. Public Health officials refused comment.

These fictitious headlines are taken from my childhood reality when lawsuits were something worn in court and mothers were genuine “desperate housewives” (not looking for love in all the wrong places.) Some shenanigans are priceless.